I have caught myself saying this phrase over and over again lately. Circumstances keep bringing me to it. Weird things, things out of the blue, hard circumstances that feel like they have a purpose, and are pointing me somewhere. Things from the past and things in the present.
“My name is not Job” I tell God.
I am really telling Him “please please don’t test me, I won’t be able to withstand, I won’t stay true to You, I won’t, I just can’t”. “Please stop the hard things” “Please stop changing me with my circumstances”.
Do I really want that?
No not really.
So, driven to the Word of God, I have looked up how Job felt. What did he feel going through the circumstances he did? Do I as a special needs mom feel this way?
Come to find out, the circumstances are different, but the feelings are the same.
For the thing that I fear comes upon me,
and what I dread befalls me.
I am not at ease, nor am I quiet;
I have no rest, but trouble comes. 3:25-26
And now my soul is poured out within me;
days of affliction have taken hold of me. 30:16
My spirit is broken; my days are extinct;
the graveyard is ready for me. 17:1
I loathe my life;
I will give free utterance to my complaint;
I will speak in the bitterness of my soul.10:1
I will not restrain my mouth;
I will speak in the anguish of my spirit;
I will complain in the bitterness of my soul 7:11
My circumstances are different, but the questions of God are the same:
How long will you not look away from me,
nor leave me alone till I swallow my spit?
If I sin, what do I do to you, you watcher of mankind?
Why have you made me your mark?
Why have I become a burden to you?
Why do you not pardon my transgression
and take away my iniquity?
For now I shall lie in the earth;
you will seek me, but I shall not be. 7:19-21
Surely I did something to cause these things to be happening? What was it?
Why? Why me? Why my family? Why my daughter?
I cry to you for help and you do not answer me;
I stand, and you only look at me. 30:20
The circumstances are different, but my dependence on God needs to be the same:
I know that You can do all things,
and that no purpose of Yours can be thwarted. 42:2
The circumstances are different, but my heart should come to the same conclusion:
Behold, I am of small account; what shall I answer you?
I lay my hand on my mouth.
I have spoken once, and I will not answer;
twice, but I will proceed no further.” 40:4-5
Job is a great character study for the special needs mom. He finds God in a new way, during a new season of his life, with fresh eyes. Job’s eyes are not filled with his possessions or his family any longer, and is faced with his culture’s wrong view of God, and finally with the truth of who God really is, and who man really is in relation to God.