fair?

It will NEVER be fair that girlie has to go through the pain and discomfort of seizures.  It will never be fair that girlie’s body becomes stiff, all the muscles tensing up, breathing stopped, loss of entire body control.  It will NEVER be fair that it happens over and over and over again.  It will NEVER be fair that the seizure monster is always in the background ready to strike.

It will NEVER be fair girlie is not able to care for herself.  It will NEVER be fair that she can not take care of the most basic needs, eating and toileting, always reliant on someone else.

It will NEVER be fair that girlie will never have the choice of going and doing what she wants to do.

It will NEVER be fair that her family will never hear or know of girlie’s love and care for them.

It will NEVER be fair that girlie can not make eye contact with the ones she loves.

It will NEVER be fair that girlie’s family revolves around everything of her care.

It will NEVER be fair that she will never be able to play, interact, or speak with her brothers.

It will NEVER be fair that girlie will never marry, never have babies, never leave home, never be independent, never go to college, never pursue her dreams, and never love and be loved.

It will NEVER be fair that girlie’s precious soul is trapped in a body that can’t and won’t work.

It will NEVER NEVER NEVER be fair.

Is God “fair”?  Does everything always “equal out” for His people?

I don’t think “fair” is in God’s vocabulary.  Not something He is concerned about or cares about for his children.

God does not give everyone the same amount of troubles, nor does He give everyone the same amount of blessings.    I am super thankful for the blessings, and the troubles have to be taken just one minute at a time.   Often I think, oh my life with girlie could be so much worse, and there are some days that I KNOW things sure could be better.

Our family won’t blissfully come and go, spontaneously whenever and wherever we want, unaware of the hundreds of things that it takes in getting there, staying there, and leaving there.  Girlie’s eating and medicine schedule, daily care (you can’t change a 70 pound child just ANYWHERE), sleeping schedule (she won’t sleep just anywhere), and mood (teething? did someone say teething?), all dictate what happens and when, and dictates the life of our family.  Our boys will not know what it is like to grow up in a normal family.  This fact hurts, some days more than others.

But, if God were fair, would I trust Him?  If God gave me things that I could “fix” in my own power, there would be no room for trust, I would not have to and there would be no need.  He wants me to be so close to Him, and so dependent on Him, that my will and my power are gone, and it is all Him.

Just Him.

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